A heart that cannot forgive is its own jailer.
Growing up, you see things. You see people get hurt. You see people leave. You see people hurting others. You see pain. You experience pain. You experience joy too, but pain, you never forget, because you don’t want to experience it again. You want to do whatever it takes to guard against it. It’s so innate, we don’t even realize we’re building walls.
The Walls. We don’t realize that our hearts are surrounded by the best metal to forge a stronghold around it, then outside of that there’s a moat with the most deadly starved sharks. Then on the land surrounding the moat there’s pit bulls, rattlesnakes, bear traps, and every other creature we can imagine on guard.
This is what lack of forgiveness looks like. But to us, we’re well protected from hurt. The funny thing is, we always get hurt again. And we experience pain again, but we’re miserable because we’re isolated and without comfort. And we’re slowly killing ourselves.
Learning to forgive and building relationships.
Un-forgiveness is a disease of the heart and mind. I’ve heard it called “keeping records of wrong.” These records don’t protect us from getting hurt. They keep us hurting. The only difference is now we’re hurting alone.
Outside the walls. So Where’s the Love? The love lives outside the walls. God said we can’t love him and not love others. (1 John 4:20) And we can’t love, if we don’t let others in.
As a little girl, I was touched in an inappropriate way. I grew up with a perception of love that wasn’t real. And it angered me because it warped my senses and I couldn’t do anything about it. But the anger only affected me. He was gone. I didn’t know where or how to find him. And even if I did find him, what then? I still had the same damage but worst, I was holding anger and resentment. This hindered my relationships with others. I was living in a jail that my hatred created.
The only way out was through forgiveness. The only way I could forgive, what he did to me, and what I became, was through God and seeing him and my sin the way God saw it, something worth dying for.
I have never felt so much freedom. I could forgive him, but more importantly, I could forgive myself and unchain my heart because He paid the price for it all. Christ extended new life to me, where I’m clothed with His love, compassion, grace, mercy, and strength.
This is freedom, this is Christ, and this is illumination.
I am a writer, a poet. I peruse life like a storybook, a tale, where the ending is unknown but believed to be happily ever after. I am an attorney by trade. I am a singer, poet, and actress by desire and gift. I am a member of City Church of Sacramento and I am growing in grace and repentance. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and friend, all of which I am gratefully budding in.